Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Randomize
