you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Randomize
