I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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