You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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