i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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