I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
