I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
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