Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
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