I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Randomize
