my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
