My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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