I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
