i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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