she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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