did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Randomize
