Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
