Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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