dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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