I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
