i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
