i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
