Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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