my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I am never drinking with the goths again.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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