If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
