mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
