I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
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