My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I just forgot I was standing up.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
