Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
