what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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