You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Randomize