I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
