remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize