Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Randomize
