It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
