I hope mine doesn't look like that
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
