i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize