If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
