Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Randomize
