This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
