I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Randomize
