her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
