What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
