using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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