So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
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