Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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