Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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