I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Randomize