She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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