so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
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