rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
