your thong is hanging out like whoa
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
