so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
