My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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