Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
