I hate all girls vehemently.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
