I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
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