I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
