Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
