He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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