im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
