one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
We are all done wearing pants today
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
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