I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
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