I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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