he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Randomize
