Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize