I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
