When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
