Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
